Gotta Start Somewhere

As I've thought about this first sentence I figured I could just dive right in, ignoring the fact that this poor site hasn't drank in any words in quite some time. But, that would be kinda awkward. How do I dive back in without describing the dry ground? Well people, I have no idea. And frankly, its a little too overwhelming to think about it. 

So...married life is good. Sometimes good in the way that David talks about in Psalms 119 (which I'll get to...). I've realized much about the Lord, much about myself, and even more about this alienated life we're given. Nothing like an intimate relationship to dig up the basement's musty hidings. In the past eleven months I have found myself face to face with my own selfishness, pride and just downright wickedness. And its not like I thought I was perfect before marriage! I was aware of my heart's fleshly capabilities. But this....is just different. A friend's blog recently confessed about our own pride in seemingly innocent statements. Things like "I would never do that to my husband.", "I can't believe I said that", or "That's just not like me". 

Uhm...news flash-YES IT IS. I am completely and utterly capable of the most inhumane, devilish acts one can even fathom. To say I would never (throw a lamp across the room) is my own pride boasting in my assumed self control. To be shocked that I said (you're just a butthole) is my own ignorance to the bloodline of sin that runs through my veins. To believe that (giving the silent treatment until I get my way) just "isn't me" is a flat out arrogant lie. The truth is, I am subject to the keeping hand of the Lord. All he has to do is lift a finger and let me be "myself"...and I instantly become capable of anything. Humbling. With a side of repentance. With a dessert of submission. Yum... 

By the way, I mean, who would really do and say those things. Not me. Never. What, you think I'm in elementary school or something??

Ahem.

If you're not married and I just scared the ever living crap out of you...don't worry, keep reading. Although I will bluntly say, if you crave marriage for the happiness and romance that it offers, you may as well click over to Facebook. I stand strong in the belief that marriage is more about our holiness than our happiness. If you're not too concerned with being completely surrendered to Christ during those "what-the-hell-are-you-doing" moments or don't necessarily believe He is the all in all, desire of all desires, then what I'm about to dig into won't really make sense and will probably be more frustrating than anything. I would encourage you to explore this option though, because it is a good one. And I mean good, good. 

The gospel is so backwards. And I don't mean that as fact, because obviously, its..you know...perfect. I mean that in my premature, earthly skin and bones perspective...its backwards. Normally words like submission, surrender, obedience, discipline and sacrifice would easily be associated with "no thanks". These very words used to conjure up an anxiety attack in me. Literally. Because those words can all go back to the fact that its me releasing control. Again, no thanks. It seems like these things would hold us in bondage, smothering our zest for life and freedom. 

I have found it to mean quite the contrary. In these verbs I find more freedom, relief, and a deep down contentment that I can't even explain. See? Backwards. It doesn't make sense unless I remember that I didn't create myself. (Duh). There's a God who created me to thrive on certain things, to desire certain things. He programmed in me certain results according to certain actions. The enemy may have manipulated my mind and disconnected my perspective, but my soul lies deeply tied to its Creator. So my mind, being manipulated and disconnected, is freaking out in one of those "what-the-hell-are-you-doing" moments, while my soul is screaming "YES!". While my mind is reeling with heartache, my soul is soaking up the comfort of Jesus. Though my heart may feel deserted and forsaken, my soul runs the race, knowing what is at the end. Trusting that He knows me better than I know myself releases me to feel everything with hope. Pain suddenly has a purpose. Discipline loses its legality and becomes a form of affection. 

So in my soul's deepest desire to know Jesus, to be like Him, to make my home in that Alice in Wonderland sense of backwardness, I submit to his teachings, even when they don't make sense. I surrender to the pain, even when its killing me, I obey when I'm angry, I sacrifice when I think its my right. I accept the grueling labor of life, trusting that the final push will grant me complete joy and Him complete glory. 

All of this has me camped out in Psalm 119:65-72. You know Psalm 119...that ridiculously long chapter that really makes me wonder if David was on a Biblical version of speed. Or he just thought way too much. Or, maybe like me, he went almost a year without writing and then exploded all at once. (uh...sorry) Either way, the reason its so long is because its an acrostic! The Hebrew alphabet has 22 letters in it, and so David decided he was going to write eight verses for each letter. 

Show off. 

Also, each section (letter) has a common theme, some even use the same word in ever verse. Its cute, isn't it? Like when the little kids perform songs describing Jesus through the alphabet. Actually, I wonder what David would have been like as a kid. Was he the type to steal the other kids goldfish crackers? Or maybe he was the little boy on the front row of the choir that, ahem, "sang"...loudly.

Anyway, in the "Teth" part (65-72) David starts out almost every verse with the word "good". John Piper breaks down the translation of the verses like this: 

65: Good (tov) you did, Yahweh, with your servant according to your word.
66: Good (tov) discernment and knowledge, teach me, because in your commandments I trust.
67: Before I was afflicted I erred, but now I keep your word.
68: Good (tov) you are and you cause good to happen, teach me your statutes.
69: Smear upon me lies, so do the proud, but I with all my heart watch your precepts.
70: Gross like fat is their heart, I delight in your instruction.
71: Good for me (tov li) it was that I was afflicted, so that I might learn your statutes.
72: Good for me (tov li) the instruction of your mouth, more than thousands of gold and silver pieces.

Verse 71 gets me. ESV says "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statues." This means that the statues, the disciplines, the teachings of God must be pretty dang awesome. It's one thing to say yeah ok I'll endure this affliction. It's another to call it good. This is so challenging. I immediately start asking myself, "Do I think his discipline is worth the affliction? Or do I avoid the affliction for fear of the discomfort? Do I tolerate it or do I crave its worth and call it good?" Hmm....

Goes back to the backwardness. When it comes down to it, I want to be like a child. Those are the ones Jesus welcomed and made examples of. The little babies, completely dependent on someone for food, shelter, protection and provision. I'm convinced this is where I will find the most freedom. In my soul, in my marriage, and eventually in my family. I mean really, what other hope is there?

So what does all that have to do with marriage? Everything. And, thank God it does.